Let food not be the food of love…

The type of people that eat out on Valentine’s Day are just the sort of ‘show-offs in love’ that are also likely to feed each other in the name of romance, and this is perhaps the most compelling reason (of many) to stay firmly in on the night of 14th February.

Feeding anyone who is not mentally or physically incapacitated, but who is old enough to have sex, is an absolute non-negotiable no-no in my book, and this is particularly true if the feeding in question is done in a ‘sexual’ manner.

couple feeding each other

A non-negotiable no-no

On the few occasions that I’ve encountered it, I’ve been struck down with the kind of self-defeating ‘compulsion to look’ that one only gets when faced with the truly horrifying. And the sight of a couple feeding each other, publicly and lasciviously, while you try to enjoy your steak on the next door table, is – make no mistake about it – truly horrifying.

This has much to do with the fakery that must be engaged to indulge in such antics in the first place, by which I mean that only people having very, very bad sex would ever feel the need to convince fellow diners that they aren’t; if you’re that horny, why not skip dinner altogether? Or better yet, eat at home.

But it’s also the act itself – more infantile than sexual – that is so idiotic and cringe-making to watch. Babies are fed. Grown-ups can feed themselves and to muddle this basic fact in the name of foreplay is to get foreplay all wrong.

Done as a joke, of course, this can be very amusing (see clip from 0.30)…

But, for the most part, if you’re in a restaurant, you’re over the age of three and you’re seriously indulging in this sort of faux-sexual charade, the joke, I’m afraid to say, is firmly on you!

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